Potential seems to be the best and worst thing to have. In the five months that I’ve been back at university it has been said many times that I have so much potential. Tutors have said it and fellow students have said it. It’s great to be thought of in that way but is it in fact a derogatory statement? ‘Yeah, you should be doing so much more’ or ‘Even you know you’re better than this.’
It is the most infuriating and frustrating thing to possess. Especially when you believe it too. When you know what you’re doing is not as good as what you think you can do. But why can’t you produce the quality of work that people think you can? And why do people think you can produce better work? What part of me as a person and student makes people think I can achieve more?
I think of myself as an aspirational person. I know what I want to achieve in life and I know what I need to do to be able to get it. But why can’t I translate that into tangible work?
There will be a time when people stop seeing the potential and start focussing on what they can see and judge it at face value. This scenario scares me, the idea that I’ll get comfortable with what I can do now. I sincerely hope that that time never comes, that I can figure out how the hell I can actually operate as people (myself included) think I can.
I don’t want people to feel sorry for me, I’m well aware that I am a victim of my own making. I just hope that writing these thoughts down will drive me to changing my ways and ending the frustration that has plagued my entire academic life.